I Hate my Body Today
In the case you may not have heard the big news, my husband and I are expecting our first child (a baby boy!)
in mid-March. We’re beyond excited, a little anxious, nervous, and at times very overwhelmed…I know many of you can relate!
I haven’t shared much of my journey being pregnant with many people other than answering the standard questions of “how are you feeling?” “did you get morning sickness?” “are you having any crazy cravings?” etc.
This has been a very special and personal journey for me and my husband and as I come into the last two month-stretch, I am compelled to share some of my journey with you. Some of my thoughts may be a bit raw, but they are honest. My hope is that by sharing my journey thus far, it may offer some perspective regardless of where you are in the circle of life, whether you’re pregnant, pre-menopausal or right smack in the middle of it, turning 30 or 40 or 75, or going through puberty. I’ve realized that these are all uncomfortable and not always the most cherished times in our life, especially when it comes to how we feel about our bodies.
I think many people presume that because I am a “fitness professional” that I must be completely happy and confident with my body (pregnant or not); they think that I never have any issues with buying clothes that fit, that I never struggle with negative thoughts when I look at myself in the mirror, or that I never compare my body with another woman…quite the contrary. Ask any fitness professional, and I’m sure many would feel the same way.
Pregnancy has taught me a lot about myself; it has challenged my mindset and has brought up feelings and reactions that I never imagined I would feel during what is supposed to be such a special and sacred time.
It all started with the very common social interactions and encounters when people find out you’re expecting that bothered me more than I thought they would…
Since when is it OK to rub my stomach without permission and then ask me how much weight I’ve gained? (WHAT??!!)
No one seems to talk to my face anymore, eyes seem to gravitate right to my midsection (I think I’ll take people staring at my chest over staring at my waistline), followed by some comment that is supposed to make me feel good about myself (then my body becomes the topic of conversation for the next 10 minutes). Not comfortable at all.
“Lindsay! Let me see your bump!” (OK, so let me just unbutton my jacket for you like I’m on stage and expose myself to you).
Despite what many women told me, maternity shopping was no thrill for me…I put it off for as long as I could (though the pull-up jeans are pretty awesome). Shopping for my first training bra was probably more fun but if I remember, it just as uncomfortable…talk about not knowing your new body!
About 3 or 4 months into my pregnancy I remember looking at my body in the mirror one day and really starting to notice changes happening. I had this involuntary reaction of confusion, frustration, and even anger. I really didn’t know how I felt about how my body was changing.
I know everyone means well, truly I do…but at first I thought people were insensitive and invasive, suddenly I
felt as though my body wasn’t mine anymore and there was an all-access pass. I did know deep-down that all they want to do is celebrate with me.
I realized that what I was really upset with was the way I was responding to these new situations; it was like “Alter-ego Lindsay” came out of nowhere…I felt like I didn’t know myself because many of these thoughts and reactions were foreign to me.
Then it hit me, just like any other encounter in life, I can’t control what people say to me or their actions, but I can control how I let their comments affect me.
I can’t control what Mother Nature is doing to my body during puberty, pregnancy, or menopause, but I can control how I prepare my mind and body to respond to it and embrace it.
I knew I had to take my own advice and live by my own mantra to JUST OWN IT. I accept that some things may offend, upset or hurt me, that’s being human…but I OWN my thoughts and I OWN my mindset, no one else.
One of my mentors once told me that we need to train our brain to allow negative thoughts to come in and out as if they are on a turnstile. Negative thoughts will always exist in our mind. This is the human condition; even the most positive people have negative thoughts. But what makes them positive people is how long they let those negative thoughts sit on the turnstile inside of their head. Let the negative thoughts sit there a while and it becomes toxic…or let the thought enter, acknowledge it, replace it with a positive thought and let that negative thought go right off the turnstile.
Getting on the scale at the doctor’s office and watching that number creep up took more mental energy for me to recognize the negative self-talk and then remind myself that this is what is supposed to happen, and my body is pretty damn amazing to be able to create, house, and nurture this little creature inside of me.
What I’ve learned though this journey (and I know that this journey is far from over) whether it’s pregnancy, puberty, menopause or just one of those “I hate my body” days…I know that I am entitled to be frustrated and confused and even angry about how I look or how I feel. But it is MY choice how I let it play into my life.
Our bodies are AMAZING. Our minds are even more INCREDIBLE. The power that exists in between our ears is far greater than we often give it credit.
Thank you for letting me share my journey with you and I hope even in some small way, you can apply my “JUST OWN IT” mantra in your own life to ultimately strive to become the best version of you.
Just Owning It,
Lindsay
So true and well said Lindsay!
I am a former Body Project lady and am also expecting my first baby (girl!) in April
I too, have experienced the obvious (and sometimes unobvious) symptoms of pregnancy and my body changing drastically. My unexpected, but now cherished, pregnancy (hello honeymoon baby!) has taught me A LOT about myself. First of all, I HATE HAVING MY BELLY RUBBED! I’m not a budda and I do not have special powers that will rub off onto you…I hate looking in the mirror on most days, and I DREAD my midwife appts each month when I have to step on the scale. However, when I allow myself to stop and think about the miracle that I have inside of me, I am comforted. it is quite a journey! Thanks for the blog post, Lindsay, and congratuations!!!
All women feel this way, especially during a big change like pregnancy or menopause! Thank you Lindsay for the reality check and reminder that we can only control ourselves! I am reposting your link for my friends! Best of luck in your final stretch!
This is such a great article! Best of luck in your new journey Lindsay!
The honesty & rawness of your comments are felt & appreciated! Every woman has different experiences, for each & every pregnancy…Having one in my early 20s & then 2 back to back in mid 30s I can relate & understand. Each was a different & unique experience…funny enough the 24 yr old is the one who left me w/ the worst stretch marks!! Touching my belly if I invite you to feel a kick is one thing, lifting my shirt & rubbing my belly left me feeling violated!! (even if it was my sister)
Regardless, this is a very special time & the body’s ability to handle these changes in mind-boggling & awesome, its just up to us to stay positive & accept those changes…although NOT easy…my biggest issue is what 3+ yrs of pregnancy/breastfeeding did to my boobs!!! (hows that for honesty!!)
I LOVE this and know exactly how you feel. I stopped looking at myself in the mirror from the neck down about 2 months ago, and decided to embrace what’s going on inside it
Enjoy the journey, the god and the bad, it’s a beautiful one!
Perfect!!! You are going to be a fantastic mother!!!
Enjoy the journey!!!
I can fully understand your feelings.It happened to me too: I have very few pics of that period: I have 2 kids, so it is almost 18 months of my life…
and the most wired thing is that now that I am not pregnant I find pregnant women to be so charming…
Crazy minds, aren’t they?
Love you Linzie!
Love the turnstile analogy; thanks! As a fellow fitness professional, I appreciate your honesty in sharing and also find it wise that you gave yourself time to consider your experience before sharing (7 mo.).
I never hated my body while pregnant. After years of infertility I was overjoyed to be big and chubby! Then with two IVF perfect children -after many complications-I still never hated my body. My body (and science) were true miracles to me. Think of it like that. Its a miracle! Say it over and over.. your body is a miracle maker!!!
Enjoy every minute of the change. I was never able to get pregnant and wanted to. I would have given anything to see my body change. God bless you in your last 2 months of pregnancy.
Lindsay,
I can not imagine the tremendous pressure you feel as a pregnant fitness professional. I applaude you for JUST OWNING IT and being real enough to say “Hey, I’m a fitness professional but I have always been human too.”
As much as we try to guard the personal and sacred journies of our pregnancies, the growing midsection makes it kind of a public statement. That is NOT to say my stomach is an open invitation to rub it. On the other hand, if you rub my tummy does that mean I get to rub your backside? NO you say? Is that not just as invasive! Yes, I appreciate your congratulations and celebration of this new life I am working so hard to protect and care for even before it arrives, but PLEASE it is still MY body, even though it is occupied by a different tenant right now, it is still my personal space. Honestly that was the ONLY part of m pregnancy that I didn’t embrace.
PS- you look fab! And the body you hate today has been your little guys house for 7 months. I think he likes it alot!
Speaking for the over 60 crowd your strong comments on negative thinking really hit home. It is a very fine line between healthy thinking and destructive thoughts. Thanks for sharing your inner most feelings.
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Fantastic Lindsay! You do look absolutely amazing during this pregnancy. It’s not so much about the “bump” size but more about the spark and light in your eyes. Being pregnant was the most alive I ever felt. Congratulations on owning your journey and it will be the most amazing ride of your life!
I can’t explain why people are so obsessed with the bump, especially since I still want to see a friend’s growing belly even after having had 2 kids myself. Like I should remember what it was like but my brain gets baby crazy!
I think the Drs shouldn’t let women even see the number, it’s a scary thing no matter how fit you are just like you said.
Embrace the belly though, it’s beautiful no matter what it looks like! And embrace the time right after the baby comes…that’s a whole other journey with even MORE different emotions pulling at you.
XO